The Ultimate Intro To BDSM For Beginners Guide For Women

Thinking about giving bondage a try? Does the idea of giving up control or dominating someone turn you on? This is the best ultimate intro to BDSM for beginners guide for women around.

I remember the first time someone blindfolded me and tied my hands halfway while we were having sex. That sudden loss of control when I was tied up and couldn’t see what was to come heightened my other senses, including my pleasure level. Giving up my control and power was a huge turn on, and that was the day I was lightly introduced to the world of BDSM.

BDSM is still often misunderstood as a deprived kink, of being physically or mentally harmful and something only the odd ones enjoy. Plus, it can be a little intimidating to anyone who wants to introduce a little BDSM in the bedroom.

This intro to BDSM for beginners guide for women is written to break down BDSM for beginners, where to begin, and how BDSM can be a fun, safe, consensual, and healthy aspect to a fulfilling sex life.

Related: What is exhibitionism kink? A deep dive into the sexual kink of consensual exhibitionism

Intro to BDSM for beginners: What is BDSM?

BDSM is an umbrella term for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission and sadism and masochism. That might sound scary, but BDSM can actually be the safest (and likely the most fun) kind of sex you can have, where you can share your desires and ensure consent and boundaries come first.

Since we live in a world where everything feels so controlled – your working hours, what you need to do daily, paying your rent and taxes – BDSM opens up a world of freedom where you can drop all the need to control and just enjoy playing, experimenting, and allowing another person to take control — with your consent. On the flip side, you might get to call the shots for once and enjoy being in control.

BDSM is very much a power play, yet with different varieties of BDSM – from blindfolds to ropes, spank paddles to gag toys, to words, bites, wax play, humiliation and role playing. There are different levels of BDSM intensity:

  • Vanilla BDSM: includes light activities like light bondage, light casual spanking, sensation play such as with ice or heat, and more. 
  • Heavy play: more intense activity like heavier restraints, flogging with a paddle or a whip, and more. 
  • Extreme BDSM: includes things that could be considered dangerous like knife play, humiliation, and more. 

As you can see, BDSM encompasses a wide array of sexual activities!

Intro to BDSM for beginners: The roles

The portrayals of BDSM you’ve seen in film or porn is oftentimes inaccurate or a tad extreme. Within BDSM, there are tops and bottoms, dominants and submissives, and sadists and masochists – each playing a role.

Tops are the doers and/or the penetrators and bottoms are the people things are done to and/or being penetrated. Dominants and tops are typically the ones taking control, while submissives and bottoms relinquish their control. You can also have switches who can be either a top or bottom, dominant or submissive.

Just remember that no two individual dynamics are the same, and the exact form your BDSM play will take depends on the individuals involved.

BDSM for beginners safety

When it comes to BDSM, safety and consent is super important. It’s not fun engaging with someone you don’t trust physically and emotionally, where you might be left in a compromising situation. Handcuffs and whips are best used with a trustworthy partner versus a one night stand, and in fact the BDSM community have two acronyms about safety precautions:

  • SSC: Safe, sane consensual
  • RACK: Risk, aware, consensual, kink

No matter how tame your BDSM play is or how well you know your sex partner, it is important to remember that consent is key in all BDSM play.

One way to practice safe BDSM play is having a safe word or phrase, that you can use if you’re becoming uncomfortable and need things to stop or slow down. It is absolutely okay for either the dominant or submissive to stop or slow down any time during a BDSM play.

You can also practice a traffic light system, where having different words for green/yellow/red to indicate the level of slowing down needed. “Green” indicates you can keep going on, “yellow” implies slowing down or decreasing intensity without fulling stopping, and “red” if you need to stop or at least pause temporarily.

Safe words should be something you won’t usually say during sex, and keep it relatively short and easy to remember. Avoid using the words “stop” or “no”, which are common words that you might say during role playing when you don’t actually want to stop.

To ensure that a BDSM play is positive for all parties, it is important that the one who is dominating should actively check in with the submissive. Always, always heed safe words, and if speaking is going to be difficult (for example when using a gag ball), then drop an item or ring a bell as an alternative to using a safe word.

Another thing to consider when it comes to BDSM safety is not using bonds that are too tight or could constrict airflow or blood when you struggle in them. Always use materials made specially for bondage as that can easily be cut away with a pair of scissors in time of emergency. Avoid using silk scarves or ties as they could cut off circulation and are really difficult to cut away when it is an emergency situation.

Intro to BDSM for beginners play ideas

If you are new to BDSM play, you would want to start slower until you figure out what BDSM looks like for you and your partner(s). In fact, BDSM props and toys don’t need to make an appearance right off the bat. Here is an intro to BDSM for beginners and everything you need to know about BDSM play so that it leaves you pleasured and empowered.

1. BD: Bondage And Discipline

A fundamental part of any BDSM play, bondage involves tying up or being tied up, as part of the power play. It can involve props such as handcuffs, ropes, blindfolds, or a range of restraints. There’s a good reason why blindfolds turn so many people on, apart from giving or taking control. You get to experience the intense sensation when one of your senses is taken away from you and your other senses become more alert, allowing you to feel things more intensely on your body.

Another form of bondage is the ancient Japanese bondage practice known as Shibari. Shibari is treated as an art form by its practitioners who spend years honing their skills.

Best handcuffs and restraints for BDSM

This Pink Snake Print Microfiber Wrist Restraints by Spectrum Boutique adds sexiness and pizzaz to your BDSM play. It is lined with soft padded lambskin leather and comes with fashionable Rose Gold Hardware. The nickel-free locking buckle makes it easy to restrain your partner (or your partner to restrain you).

The Adjustable Couture Cuffs by Pipe Dream is made with velvety-soft neoprene and has a beautiful textured diamond pattern. It comes with an adjustable cuff that fits most sizes.

Begin your gentle intro to BDSM for beginners with the Love Me Gentle Kit by Spectrum Boutique. This kit includes a blindfold, a pair of silk restraints, and spank paddle to discover the delicious delights of sensory play. The blindfold and silk restraints allow for soft submission while the heart paddle strikes with a sensual sting and leaves the submissive wanting more.

Perfect for an intro to BDSM for beginners. This 8 Piece Bondage Kit by Dark Amour features everything you need to explore bondage, restraint, and even role play, including a faux fur-lined blindfold, hogtie, wrist and ankle cuffs, a flogger and breathable ball gag.

As for discipline, it includes both mental and physical, and is about training a submissive to obey the dominant, follow their rules, or perform certain acts. That might be edging and denying your partner an orgasm, teasing your partner and denying them the ability to touch you, light spanking with your hand, as well as biting, scratching, and pinching.

2. DS: Dominance And Submission

The practice of giving power or control to another who then takes it is the very heart of BDSM. Many people seek release through submission, while others love feeling in control – this can be emotional dominance, physical dominance, or both.

Played out in sexual acts, dominance might range from domination in bed during an erotic encounter, to deciding what the submissive can and cannot do in a 24/7 full-time lifestyle.

Although submissives surrender to their Dom and allow them to take control, it is not from a place of being taken advantage of as they can only agree to things that are fully comfortable for them. Doms must also remember consent and always have their sub’s interest and safety in mind.

3. SM – Sadism And Masochism

Sadomasochism involves acts that produces pleasure from pain, and is the part that gets people worried about BDSM. Sadists enjoys inflicting pain on others, while masochists enjoy receiving pain.

If you are nervous about hurting your partner or that BDSM is going to be too painful, know that there are types of sadomasochism that don’t involve pain, or involves pain that are good types of pain.

Sensory play involves either over-stimulating or depriving the senses, such as playing with temperature by using ice cubes or hot candle wax, or tickling your partner with feathers or pinwheels. You can also deprive your partner of sound by using a sound isolation headphones, or of sight with a blindfold.

Then there’s impact play, which offers different levels of pain from spanking by hand or a tool like a flogger or whips, to humiliation or knife play.

If you are the dominant partner with sadistic tendencies, you might be interested in sadism but you do not wish to hurt your partner. In this case, you can explore denying them orgasms while teasing them as a form of sadism that does not involve pain, just mental torture.

Remember, whether you are the dominant or the submissive, you always have the power to decide how far you want to go with your partner, and whether you can find pleasure in pain.

Best whips and paddles for BDSM

The Kinklab Panamorphic 3-in-1 Paddle Set by Spectrum Boutique does more than just spank! The paddle includes three different sides, giving you three varying sensations. One side is made out of smooth faux leather for classic impact play, while the other side is interchangeable to customize the sensations.

Give your partner a sensual massage and a gentle patting with the faux-fur panel, experiment with temperature play with the metal-studded panel, or have a more intense impact play that will make the submissive see stars.

This Fetish Fantasy Rubber Paddle by Pipe Dream comes with a double-sided texture, firm but flexible paddle, and soft rubber with varying raised nubs. Perfect for teach the submissive to submit with this incredible fantasy-play paddle.

The Rouge H-Style Leather Flogger by Spectrum Boutique is a midsize flogger with a handle and leather hand loop. Choose from 5 beautiful colors, including red and purple.

Intro to BDSM for beginners: Start with a fantasy

Don’t just go online or into a sex store and buy a sex toy. Start with your own imagination and figure out what’s hot and sexy for you. Is there a scene that you would like to role play? If you are not sure what would be a turn on for you, try reading or listening to BDSM erotica, or watch ethical BDSM porn to find out what turns you on.

Once you have identified your desire, you should sit down with your partner and have an honest conversation about your desire to explore BDSM, what would turn you on, as well as your boundaries. Trust and communication is important because BDSM typically involves surrendering control.

Next, you would want to pick a setting. This could be your bedroom, or it might be checking into a hotel where it might be easier to tap into a different persona.

If you and your partner are both new to BDSM, you don’t need to go Christian Grey and create an entire playroom. As you find your intro to BDSM for beginners, you can start with the BDSM beginner-friendly items first (for example, blindfolds and cuffs).

How do I figure out if I am dominant or submissive?

It’s all about trying out different roles and plays to see what turns you on. Engage in various BDSM practices to find out if you find more pleasure in being a dominant, submissive, or a switch (both dom and sub).

How do I get my partner interested in BDSM?

Open communication is important when it comes to any sexual act or desire. Simply express your interest and ask if they would be interested as well. If they are not sure what BDSM is or have a negative or misunderstood view of BDSM, you can provide them with the necessary information first, such as sharing this article with them!

You can also make it non-intimidating by volunteering something first, such as offering to wear a blindfold and what you would like them to do or say while you are wearing the blindfold. Get them excited by showing them what a great time you had while you were tied up or blindfolded.

Remember, if your partner isn’t interested in BDSM (or any other sexual activity), you should not force it.

Intro to BDSM for beginners: BDSM Aftercare

The aftercare you have after a BDSM experience is just as important as the acts themselves. Depending on what you and your partner need to feel safe and secure, the aftercare might include a conversation about what they enjoyed most and what they were thinking when you or them did certain acts.

Now that you have read the ultimate intro to BDSM for beginners guide for women, it is time to go and fun and explore the different aspects of BDSM play!

Because pleasure gets better the more you know what you like and need! Learn more about women sexual wellness, self pleasure tips, and more.