You’re not alone if you literally cringe at the thought of doing anything sexual with your partner after having a baby. Want to get your mojo back? Here are 5 things you can do if you have no sex drive after baby.
Maybe it has been months since you’ve had your baby, but there is still no sign of your sex drive coming back. The mojo is completely gone, and the idea of even kissing or touching your partner is cringing. Yet you still love your partner and you want to feel the spark again – so what can you do to get the want back?
The reasons why you have no sex drive after baby
Even if your doctor clears you for sex four to six weeks after giving birth, giving birth is a life-changing experience and having no sex drive after baby is 100% normal and very common with women after giving birth.
Between having no sleep because you are busy taking care of a new baby, to hormonal fluctuations, to having a mental shift in your immediate priorities, it is not uncommon to need some time to get your libido back.
To further complicate things, you might feel like you have zero privacy if the baby sleeps in bed with you, or in a cot in the same room. Plus, when 2 becomes 3 or more, the dynamics of your relationship is bound to change.
Scientifically, your body’s hormones were many times higher during your pregnancy. After giving birth, those hormones that might have made you extra frisky during pregnancy come crashing down to menopausal levels – resulting in a loss of sex drive.
One factor that is not commonly talked about as much is the fact that 1 in 8 new moms experience postpartum depression, a serious-but-treatable maternal mental health condition. Having postpartum depression might cause you to lose interest in activities that usually interest you, which may include sex.
How long do I need to wait before my libido returns?
Different women might experience different amount of time needed. Although not always the case, in general new moms and younger moms may see their sex drive bounce back faster. Older moms or moms who have had children previously will experience a greater impact from the hormonal shift. So if you are worried about your libido taking longer to return versus previous births, don’t panic as this is completely normal.
There are a number of factors contributing to you having no sex drive after baby. So yes, it might take a few months or perhaps even more than a year before your libido returns.
5 things you can do if you have no sex drive after baby
While losing your libido might be frustrating for you and perhaps even your partner, there are things you can do to work on getting your sex drive back after having a baby.
1. Start with pleasuring yourself
If you are not ready to be physically intimate with your partner, then we recommend starting with self-pleasure first. Touching and caressing your own body helps you to reconnect with your body after birth, which might feel different to what it was before pregnancy.
Masturbation will allow you to discover what now feels nice for you, and it also helps you to rediscover the pleasure of orgasms again. You can go at your own pace, as fast or as slow as you need.
If masturbation is too much for you or you prefer to use a sex toy like a vibrator, then the GIGI™ 2 G-spot Vibrator by LELO might be perfect for you.
2. Set aside time for couple time
Couple time does not need to be about having sex if you or your partner is not ready for sex. Instead, think of it as setting time aside to be for just the two of you, even after becoming parents. It does not need to be a long amount of time as well, as long as it is set aside intentionally for connection.
During this time together, some of the things you can do with your partner include communicating how you currently feel physically, emotionally or mentally, and where you are right now with your libido. Your partner can and should also share where they are at as well.
If you feel like having physical touch but not ready for sex, look for other ways to express affection. Hug each other, kisses, sit close to each other – without the pressure.
3. Be aware of negative thought patterns around sex
The experience of becoming a mother alters intimacy and sexual desire, which is why it is so important not to wall off that part of yourself completely when you have no sex drive after baby. Once desire and intimacy is lost, they can be difficult to re-establish as they now become a thought habit.
One way to rewire negative thought patterns around sex is through hypnotherapy, which works on the sub-conscious mind that controls your thoughts. It might be working with a certified hypnotherapist to work through any poor body image after giving birth, or any unconscious trauma you might have experienced from giving birth.
4. Try breathwork breathing exercises
Having a daily breathwork practice teaches you to remain present, in the moment. Great sex is about being present and in the moment with your partner, which can be ruined when there are ruminating thoughts of what you are supposed to do.
Taking conscientious deep breaths help calm and regulate your automatic nervous system, which you can then bring into the moment when you start having sex with your partner.
5. Let go of the idea of what sex should be
Perhaps the biggest blocker of desire for sex is fear, which can cause our desire to wane and our vaginas tightened. Penetrative sex after giving birth is not the most appealing idea for many women after childbirth, as they are still healing from vaginal tears, bleeding, or stitches.
This is why we need to let go of the idea of what sex should be. Maybe you are used to having mostly or only penetrative sex with your partner. Think about other forms of erotic play, such as touching each other, kissing, gentle caressing of the body, genital rubbing and even gazing into each other’s eyes for intimacy.
Remember, you are not alone if you have no sex drive after baby, and this too shall pass. It’s normal to have a low sex drive postpartum, and you should only do what you’re comfortable with, and always remember to prioritize your pleasure.