From tearing each other’s clothes off to now having infrequent sex, is your sex life now doomed to infrequent or even scheduled sex? Thankfully not. Here are 9 things you can do right now if there is no spontaneity in your sex life.
If Hollywood shows are to be believed, sex is always fun and spontaneous! And it might even feel that way when you first get to know someone new and you both can’t keep your hands off each other.
Yet it is natural that the hot and passionate sex dwindles away after a period of time being with someone, and the spontaneity seems to disappear. Many couples soon find themselves not having the same amount of sex as they had in the beginning, and the problem around having mismatched libido soon arises.
They might start to seek out a sex therapist or discuss scheduling sex, but maybe the idea of scheduling sex might make them feel like sex is now a chore instead of “how spontaneous it used to be between us”.
So why do we lose the spontaneity in our sex lives, especially with a longer-term partner?
Reasons why you probably lost the spontaneity in your sex life
The first thing that you need to know is that sex does become less spontaneous in a long term relationship, and it is usually for a variety of reasons.
There is the familiarity of your partner, so there is no longer the excitement and nerves of being with someone new and exploring a new body. With a long-term partner, you ideally already have an idea of what they like sexually and how they would usually respond to each touch. You might have already tried different sexual positions and toys in the early stage of the relationship because everything felt so new and playful.
Another reason is because life gets in the way. Our work, the kids, and daily life stresses can affect our desire for sex. Sex becomes less of a priority, and scheduling sex feels like the only way to make sex happen (if it is in the calendar, it is harder to forget!).
And let’s not forget the emotional effects of couple fights and disagreements. Unresolved disagreements and harbored grudge against the other person can result in a lack of desire to be intimate with your partner, which is why sex therapists often advise couples to resolve any disagreements first in order to see an improvement in their sex lives.
Is spontaneous sex important in a relationship?
Spontaneous sex sounds romantic and sexy, but the truth is scheduled sex can also be equally important in a relationship.
It is important to see what works best for you and your partner. Scheduling sex can be effective in creating sexual tension between two busy people, but might also create performance pressure and anxiety for others.
For some people, having spontaneous sex is important in a relationship because they enjoy the natural build up. But for others, scheduling sex takes the pressure off the partner with a lower sex drive or has a more packed schedule, because there is a set date and time already agreed.
How can I make my sex life more spontaneous?
So what can you do if you feel like your sex life is stuck in a rut or there is no spontaneity in your sex life?
1. Break the routine with something out of the ordinary
When you both started dating, there were new restaurants you both visited and new activities you both did together. So think back to the early days of dating each other: are there activities that you both did back then that you could recreate together?
Maybe it is going to a festival or a concert together. What about that sensual massage that you used to give each other?
Interjecting your daily routine with new activities that excited and bonded you both in the past, while being open to the possibility of something sexual happening afterwards, is a great way to make your sex life more spontaneous.
2. Flirt more with your partner
When was the last time you said something flirty or texted something flirty with your partner?
Those flirty texts that you both used to send each other might have been replaced with texts that are about getting groceries or help needed with the kids.
Sending regular flirty text messages with each other keeps the body and mind excited about the other person, and sexually you are both more tuned in with each other emotionally when there is evidence of desire from the other partner.
3. Explore new places to have sex
It might feel like there is no spontaneity in your sex life if you only have sex in the same place – likely your bedroom – every time you both have sex.
To make sex feel more exciting and spontaneous, try having sex in places that you both have never had sex before. Forests, beaches, or even just moving the sex into the living room can make sex feel more spontaneous and fun.
Before you go off having fun in public places, just remember that it is illegal to get caught having sex in public view. So check your local laws and avoid getting caught!
4. Introduce new sex toys into the bedroom
Sex toys are great for spicing up the bedroom because of the novelty they bring. You might even surprised to see your partner enjoy a new kink or experience, especially when you think you already know what they like sexually!
5. Be the one to take the initiative
It might feel pointless to initiate sex if you don’t feel like your partner will reciprocate, however instead of waiting for your partner to be the one initiating sex, try being the one to flirt first and put on the moves.
Sometimes, a surprise hand on the thigh or a flirty text can be effective in creating desire and encouraging spontaneous sex, especially if they are things you both are no longer doing regularly with each other.
6. Organize your day better
We are not talking about scheduling sex here, if that is not what you prefer. Organizing your day better can actually help to encourage more spontaneous sex because your schedules are now less cluttered.
When you both intentionally free up more time to be with each other, you are showing that you are prioritizing each other. This might lead to spontaneous sex or just getting more quality time with each other.
7. Don’t worry about the small details
Is the pressure of always looking fresh and smelling good causing you to avoid spontaneous sex? Maybe you feel like you need to be shaved or have showered before you can have sex with your partner?
Instead of worrying about the small details, focus on enjoying the moment with your partner. If your partner is showing interest in having sex but your mind immediately worries about how you smell or if you have shaved, you won’t be able to be present in the moment for full intimacy.
8. Release the expectation of sex
It’s ironic to release the expectation of having spontaneous sex when that is what you desire, but sometimes the more you focus on wanting something, the more pressure you feel to create it and that might affect the mood or libido.
Flirt and go on dates without the expectation of having spontaneous sex in the back of your car or when you get home. Simply enjoy the moment with your partner, and if sex doesn’t happen, don’t let it build into resentment towards your partner.
9. Talk about your desires with your partner
This is perhaps the most important tip if there is no spontaneity in your sex life. Want to have more spontaneity in your sex life? Communicate that with your partner.
Communicating your sexual needs and desire with your partner is important for a relationship. Honesty keeps both partners in alignment with each other and helps to build emotional closeness as well.