Is it normal to feel guilty about your sexual kinks? Certified Sex Coach Kristen Thomas shares more about kink shame and how you can overcome your guilt around your sexual kinks.
Why you may be feeling guilty about your sexual kinks
Blame it on lifelong societal conditioning and context, says Kristen. “Many women often feel guilty thinking about or acting on a kink because of lifelong conditioning that sexual kinks are bad or dirty, or that being kinky makes a person bad or dirty. The good news is that we can reprogram our beliefs around sex and sexual kinks.”
Signs you may be feeling guilty about your kinks
Unsure if you are consciously or even sub-consciously feeling guilty or ashamed about your sexual kinks? Kristen says that having a negative reaction while talking about a kink or acting on a kink is a huge sign that you may be feeling guilty about your sexual kinks.
“I’ve had people crying for days after they first talked about a kink they have been wanting to try,” says Kristen. “Some people said they felt mad at themselves after admitting they might like a particular sexual kink. Or they had acted out on their kink, only to then ghost their play partner.”
Kristen says another sign that you might be struggling with guilt around your sexual kink is if you have purchased sex toys related to your kink, only to leave them in your drawer and never end up using them.
How to overcome feeling guilty about your kink
Reflect on why you are feeling a sense of guilt or shame
It is important to pause and reflect upon the origins of what you are feeling when you start experiencing that familiar guilt or shame.
Kristen suggests asking yourself who might have been the first person to suggest to you that sex is dirty or that any sexual kink is a taboo. Could it have been a parent or a teacher? Was it a religious organization? There are many sub-conscious beliefs around sex that we still carry from our childhood and teenage years into our adulthood.
Believe that sexual pleasure can come in many forms
“Remind yourself that pleasure comes in many forms, and that pleasure is your birthright. As long as what you are doing is sane, safe, and consensual, all is fair game when it comes to sex and kinks,” says Kristen.
Know that you are not the only one with that sexual kink
Sexual kinks can often feel wrong or scary when you think that no one else desires what you desire. Yet in reality, it is very likely that someone somewhere is also into the same sexual kink as you.
Kristen recommends finding others who are also into your sexual kinks. For example, you can join FetLife, a Social Network for the BDSM, Fetish & Kinky Community.
How to disclose kinks with a partner
Nervous about bringing up your kinks with a partner? Here are some tips by Kristen on approaching the topic with both new and current partners.
Bring up the topic during early dates
“If you just started seeing someone, I recommend asking these questions during those early dates to learn how open they are to kink,” says Kristen.
Some direct and open ended questions could be “What are your thoughts about kink?” or “What kinks do you have?”. These questions are open ended enough to suggest that you are into kinks and that you are checking in with them to see if you both align sexually. If their reaction is less than positive, Kristen adds that you do not have to disclose your kink further.
Bringing up kink in a long-term relationship
Bringing up the topic of trying a kink might look different if you are already in a long-term relationship. Maybe you just discovered you might be into a kink, or perhaps you have finally admitted to yourself that you want to try something new.
If you trust your partner, Kristen suggests having a night where you both bond over having an intimate conversation while relaxing and cuddling together. You can talk about your sex lives and ask if this kink might be something they are open to trying.
Another thing you can both do is to go to a kink group meetup together to meet others who are practicing your kink. Gaining understanding of a new kink together can be a beautiful bonding experience.
Even if your partner may not align on a kink, being honest and transparent can help you both make a decision on how to move forward with that kink – whether that means playing together or playing separately.